Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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