Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
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