FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
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