They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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