nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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