someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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