Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
