I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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