she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
