just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
