I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
