PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
