how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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