i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
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