What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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