anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
