Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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