I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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