Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
My breasts were aching with rage.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
