Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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