One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
