so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
