She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
