I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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