Who did Billy Mays play for?
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Text me some of your sweat
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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