Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
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Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
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You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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