Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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