Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
You need a sexual gate keeper
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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