He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
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