one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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