I hate all girls vehemently.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Randomize
