Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
Randomize
