you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
Quick, to the slutcave!
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
