One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Randomize
