i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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