Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
why am i having a flashback about somewhere we were this weekend with music videos playing? Spike jonze brothers place?? Help me out
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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