Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Randomize
