Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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