I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
