So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Randomize
