Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
