That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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