the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
