so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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