There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
