Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
