my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
