when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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