Swine flu. Run for my life!
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
