Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Randomize
