After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
