Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
A+ Viking dick
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
