sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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